It should have been clear, before launch, when Larian showed a bear and a vampire charging towards him, that Baldur's Gate 3 would be unabashedly horny and more than a little weird. And in the 100 or so hours I've played since Early Access ended, it's only gotten more choppy. I often have to cover my puppy's eyes while playing because he's too young to see this kind of porn. But otherwise I am pleased.
Baldur's Gate 3 is an absolute must, please excuse the rudeness, which drips with sex. The Forgotten Realms is full of unapologetic spinners, you hook up with the main villains, and early on you get into a bugbear and a ghoul. As a poet, my response was to tell them that lovers of erotic literature would pay good money to read about this sort of thing, which greatly affected the devotee's ego. The ogre was less impressed by the adventurous idea of sticking to the text and the liveliness of her eager partner.
Just take a quick glance on Twitter to see how this affected gamers, who were gleefully cheering on their favorite mates or debating the various genital perks you could bless your character with. Penis D has a lot of fans, apparently. Everyone is totally excited on the main channel, including PC Gamer's Slack channel. It's Friday energy every day now.
So it is played for laughs sometimes, which is great! Sex can be absolutely hilarious and confusing, whether you're in the barn or not. But Baldur's Gate 3 embraces the whole spectrum of intimacy, so it can get pretty hot, and sometimes a little tender. There is sweetness with this sauce. Romance in video games is often confused with titillation exclusively, but Larian's has tried to give us proper relationships with characters who have agency, but also drool at the prospect of jumping on your bones.
Companions are responsible for the bulk of Baldur's Gate 3's thirst. Catching up with your RPG mates is pretty standard these days, but Larian really does it. Many of them are very flirtatious right off the bat, like Astarion and hench Druid Halsin (the heroes responsible for the vampire-on-the-bear move), and once you reach the point of friendly approval, every mate will get more thirsty and try to bond with you. None of the party members ever wanted to hit boots with the hero so badly. God, they are careful.
One evening in the camp, after a long day of killing goblins and clerics, no fewer than four of my companions put these steps on me. But my heart belongs to Karlach, a big, annoying barbarian who gets off every so often. She loves to chop up enemies, and will stomp on your neck if you ask her to, but she's also incredibly sweet. What a gal.
After we finally found a way to put out her fire, we had a smutty interlude. I pretty much think that video game animators struggle when it comes to indulging in eroticism, but they're light years ahead of what we're used to seeing in RPG sex scenes. It felt more intimate, and included nice touches like the inner fire from Karlach's infernal engine glowing blue instead of red, but yeah, I had to laugh when I saw my half-orgasmic purple penis. I am 38 years old.
Karlach, like any companion and seemingly all potential sexual partners throughout the game, doesn't care about gender, height, or scales — male dragons, females, it doesn't matter. This lack of limitations is incredibly welcome, sparing the disappointment I felt when I realized I couldn't bone Garrus in Mass Effect (at least not without mods). The argument against this is that a person's sexuality matters and making everyone attractive to a player, no matter who they are, undermines their agency. But perhaps Forgotten Realms has simply embraced sex. It's personality traits and compatibility that define relationships here, rather than what's going on under your little underwear. This is how the characters maintain their agency: by choosing partners who are suitable for them, and whose actions and words reflect their own beliefs. Karlach will still kick you to the curb if you are a feudal outcast or a treacherous rooster.

It's still a bit mechanical in the way these relationships relate to things like the approval meter, but Baldur's Gate 3 still tackles sex and romance with more maturity (even amid all the jokes) and more organically than the vast majority of RPGs. Sex isn't a goal you're working towards and you don't need to keep picking on the flirtatious dialogue to get the relationship going. And it goes both ways, with companions often being the instigators. They're more forward than most RPG friends, and try to set up small dates and express themselves openly without prodding. And not just because they want to fall by the campfire — they're looking for real companionship. This makes it a little heartbreaking when you have to turn them down.
Gail, for one, can be an annoying asshole, but he also became one of my BFFs, which made me feel so guilty when I had to turn him down. He was teaching me all about magic and weaving into a scene steeped in romance and intimacy. There were sparks for sure. So when I said I had to call it a night, he was furious, even though he's still a perfect guy. Meanwhile, I felt like a monster. In other RPGs, this will be the case, but in Baldur's Gate 3 the relationships are much more subtle. We continued to have lovely moments, which ended up being comfortably platonic, but could have changed if I wanted to.
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This sense that you're developing a meaningful relationship is even more pronounced with your romantically involved buddies, of course. Since you can connect early instead of building on it into a full game, this leaves plenty of room for actual romance and character development. So the game recognizes I'm in a relationship with Karlach, and gives me unique dialogue and cutscenes that reflect that, whether it's Karlach saying she's happy for me to use the services of a brothel (I politely declined because I'm a one-of-a-kind guy, though I had to make some cheeky jokes, because As Bard is the Law), or a nymph who tests us on how well we know each other.
So while Baldur's Gate 3 can be beguiling, brilliant, and all the slick, it avoids the awkward childishness that many of its competitors end up with when they delve deeper into the realm of romance. Here, thirst is a prelude to something deeper, which is true of real relationships, allowing you to enjoy the best of both worlds. It makes me all as happy as it makes me blush and laugh uncontrollably.
For an alternative, here's Robin Valentine on how to do it